Avoid overusing the word "you" when communicating with someone you love.
Ineffective communications can break a relationship whether it's with your children or your spouse. Ineffective communication is about the words you use and even the words you don't use. Moreover, it's not always about words. Certain actions and attitudes are also ineffective communication strategies, leaving loved ones feeling neglected or unwanted. Usually it is subtle at first, but over time ineffective communication exacts a toll on the relationship. Feelings of neglect turn to anger and communication may cease altogether. Recognizing ineffective communication can help you understand what you are doing wrong and correct it.
Neglecting Communication
One of the first mistakes usually made between individuals is neglecting to take the time to sit down and talk. Whether with your children or your spouse, having no communication is a form of ineffective communication. Instead, it implies you have more important things to do. Talking every day must be the rule before you can recognize and eliminate other ineffective communication strategies.
Emphasizing The Word "You"
How you describe your feelings makes a big difference. Always blaming the other person, or relying on phrases that emphasize "you" rather than "I" is not effective. Saying things such as "You never listen," or "You are always working and never spending time with me" often puts the other person on the defense. Rather than hearing what you are trying to communicate, the other party focuses on defending himself, which often leads to ineffective shouting matches. Focusing your message on what you feel, such as "When (describe the situation), I feel (describe how the situation makes you feel)" can go a long way toward eliminating ineffective communication.
Not Listening
Listening is just as important as expressing yourself. Your partner and your children have points of view, too. If you are doing all the talking, there is no two-way communication. One-way communication is an ineffective strategy. The other party can't get a word in edgewise and will shut down and tune out what you have to say. Ask the other party how he feels about a situation and learn about his interests, expectations and needs. When the other party feels understood, he is much more inclined to look for solutions.
Allowing Antagonism to Fester
Antagonism, or continually opposing how another person feels, creates hostility and leaves others feeling belittled. Antagonism is an extension of focusing on "you" in a situation and it sets up a defensive communication scenario. The person on the receiving end of antagonism will instead defend his position rather than explore alternatives. Telling others how they should feel about a situation or telling them you don't take them serious often leads to feelings of anger and resentment. Over time, this shuts down communication. Instead, shut up, actively listen and ask what you can do to make things better.
